All Hail President Douche

Perhaps I should note, right up front, that I am not equating Barack Obama to a douche. Or more accurately, I am, but not in the spirit of meanness. South Park fans will understand immediately. For the rest of you, let me explain. After major elections overseas and several state primaries, my thoughts turned to voting and the process of election. A friend, discussing similar topics, brought up episode 808 (#119) of the well-known satiric TV series South Park, wherein a new school mascot must be decided by vote and the two choices are anything but ordinary: a turd sandwich and a giant douche.

To cut a complex story short, a boy who is told he must vote refuses, citing that he doesn’t agree with either of the candidates and it is a pointless exercise anyway. After heavy pressure from family, friends, and community members, including threats of bodily harm, he relents. But before doing so, he is advised by the leader of a nationwide activist group that “every election is between a Giant Douche and a Turd.”

So we have our foundation. And I am inclined to agree with Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators and principal writers of the South Park series. Most elections do seem to come down to the choice between between a douche and a turd. It is one unfortunate result of a two-party system. As much as we tout the wide variety of choice in political preferences, it really comes down to Democrat or Republican on the ballot. Though a few shudders of revolt have been felt from the Independent and Tea factions, most candidates elected to major offices still carry an (R) or (D) by their names. (Is it a mere coincidence that douche begins with (d) and turd contains an (r)? I wonder.)

So what should one do, when faced with the choice of selecting between a turd and a douche? How can one determine the lesser of two evils? Either way, the populace effected is sure to lose. Yet not voting – refusing to choose – is seen as an insult, not only to the nation as a whole but to the many who fought and died to bring the nation to where it stands today.

I argue that refusing to choose is not an insult to the nation but a measure of the abuse the political system is experiencing. Without strong figures of reason and credibility to vote for, what impetus is there to cast a vote? Why mark the box for a turd if a turd isn’t wanted in office? It becomes a catch 22: the only candidates with enough political savy and sway to reach levels of importance are all douches and turds, so only douches and turds can be elected. Which I believe is the point made by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And for the more patriotic, who see refusal as a dismissal of the battles that gave us the freedom to vote, I can only ask if those same battles were fought so that we would only be able to choose between two corrupt, greedy, unappealing, unwanted, money- and power-hungry candidates. I don’t believe that was what any of those men and women fought for. I don’t believe that is what men and women the world over continue fighting for.

I whole-heartedly support the right to vote. 1,000%. It was meant to be our greatest freedom, our most powerful weapon of peace and justice against our own government and political system. I value that right beyond words and will defend it to my last breath. With force, if necessary. But it has been so misused. It has become such a pitiful shadow of what it could and should be. It’s the 21st Century. We are surrounded with technological and biological marvels. And yet we vote as though we are still in the Dark Ages, ignorant, apathetic, afraid. James A. Mishener once said, “An age is called dark, not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.” Well I see it, or at least the potential of it, and I refuse to vote for darkness. I refuse to vote for turds and douches and rampant liars and unconscionable thieves. Not when we, as a nation, are capable of so much better.

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Running Iran

The media splashes violent scenes of people being beaten and a young woman dying in the street and calls it news. It’s sensationalism, but I suppose that’s what it takes to get our attention any more. If you’ve watched a news program at all in the last week or so you’ve probably seen some of it: foreign crowds with strips of green cloth tied around their wrists, wearing green shirts and masks and headbands, green paint or dye on their hands, fingers held up in an almost painfully ironic symbol of peace and victory. Of course, we know that neither peace nor victory has found either side of the conflict. And instead of green, a growing number of people are wearing red.

I don’t know what to think of the situation in Iran. I do think the election was, at best, mishandled … but it’s a messy affair. And no one in authority seems willing to recount the votes, investigate the cases of blatant fraud, or otherwise try to resolve the issue through acceptable procedural means. Instead, Iran’s “supreme leader” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is backing up the election results, denouncing protesters, and threatening action against anyone speaking out against the government. Equally problematic, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is digging in his heels, insisting he was re-elected fair and square, and trying to break up protest after protest with public announcements and brute force. A lot of brute force. Thankfully, serious bloodshed has been limited so far. Though I doubt that comforts the families and loved ones of the dozens who have been killed. And if the protests continue, I think it’s clear there will be a great deal more bloodshed.

The scenes filling Twitter and Flickr and Tehran Live are both inspiring and heartbreaking. And I am torn between wanting to grab a green flag to join in and just turning my back to walk away. The Idealist vs. The Pragmatist. But in a country that already hates the US, in a region that all but despises the US, I can’t help but think that getting involved would be a mistake. I hate to say that but it’s what I honestly think. A lot of people in Iran are getting mistreated (and not just since the election) but the same could be said of dozens of countries which we have also not helped. In truth, the same could be said of our own country, if not to the same extremes.

I find the violence disgusting, aimed at unarmed people doing something US citizens have (theoretically) had the right to do for well over 200 years. But a country in upheaval will always experience violence and henceforth bear that scar. It is both unfortunate and unavoidable. And who is to say the opposition leader Mir Hossein Mousavi would be any better? (Who is to say he is still alive, having disappeared some days ago…) Politicians the world over are notoriously dishonest, corrupt, and easily swayed by money and power. In any case, I fear US intervention would only cause more problems. Iraq has been a rather pathetic endeavor (I fully support the troops; I do not support the politicians behind the war) and Afghanistan is hardly better. With North Korea starting to test the waters across the Pacific and a US economic/financial implosion underway, I can’t think of anything less reasonable than an intervention.

For once, Barack Obama and I agree.

But I hope beyond hope that the Iranians get what they want and need and deserve as a good but mistreated people. I hope we all do.

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Strange Lands

My fellow Americans, and other readers from around the world, I believe something very strange has happened to us. An author named Robert Heinlein once wrote a book called Stranger in a Strange Land, and while I’ve never read said book I feel the title is all too accurate in describing my little corner of the world. I do indeed feel like a total stranger in a very strange land.

I used to think I had a pretty good handle on this world, and pretty well knew my place in it. But things change, don’t they? Oh my, yes, how things change. The kicker, of course, is that it’s really only my perception of things that has changed, not the things themselves. There was always deception and dishonor, corruption and cowardice, only now I really see them. Everywhere.

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that this country spent sixteen years under the thumb of two lying, cheating, self-serving men who left nothing behind but a wake of death and destruction? Or how about the fact that the popular vote in the last two presidential elections was completely ignored by the electoral college, the supposedly “representative” group of men and women who ultimately choose which candidate will rule the nation? Is it just me or has inflation made the prices of goods and services skyrocket while wages have only slowly crept upward? And isn’t this the same inflation that Washington still refuses to acknowledge while it prints fiat money as fast as it can?

Do these things make sense to anyone? Am I taking crazy pills or something??

Because they seem as wrong as wrong can be to me. It seems unfathomable to me that politicians now speak of “trillions of dollars” as if it were only millions. That Barack Obama is hailed as a saviour when so far his works have only driven us deeper in the ground. (Hey, buddy, we were already six feet under … isn’t that enough?) I find it hard to believe that China wants to drop the dollar when ten years ago a college professor explained to me how ludicrously unlikely it was that America would ever fail. How nonsensical that a major city should ever drown on the inaction of its leaders and the entire conglomeration of local, state and national governments; that the uncontrolled spending of large banks should bring the economy to its knees worldwide; that the Democratic platform and the Communist platform should differ on only two points.

I know that these things are true, but I have a hard time understanding them. It’s as though I’ve slipped into a parallel dimension, or, like Rip Van Winkle, somehow awoken to a future where little of the world I knew remains. Where corruption has infiltrated every facet of our legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government at every level, from small-town council to the president himself. Where corporate and political greed has nullified the needs of the American people. Where anything is for sale if the price is right and to hell with the consequences.

Welcome to the Strange Lands. It looks like the Dark Ages are back.

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“All the legislation in the world can’t fix what’s wrong with America.” – Jimmy Carter

“A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.” – Gerald Ford

“When the government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Why shouldn’t the people fear the great? The liberties of mankind were never destroyed by any other class of men.” – Abraham Bishop

“America is great because America is good; and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.” – Alexis de Toqueville

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Dear Partners In Crime…

This is part of a letter from Jeff Clark, an author and economic advisor. I thought it most befitting. Enjoy.

“The CEOs of our nation’s largest banks were ‘invited’ to impersonate a bunch of piñatas before Congress yesterday and testify about how they’ve been spending the government’s money. Unlike the auto company CEOs, who must have a combined IQ of something like 12, the bank executives had the good sense to fly commercial. … But none of them had the guts – or any other body part – to call out the condescending hypocrites on Capitol Hill.

‘How do you justify,’ asked one of our esteemed elected officials, ‘taking a million-dollar salary when your company is operating at a loss?’

The ideal response would have been, ‘Because I spent that much on booze after you passed a law forcing my company to give home loans to people who couldn’t pay me back.’

But the CEO’s were silent… And they were silent when Maxine Waters, a Democrat from California, complained the banks were too slow in renegotiating the terms of the loans her constituents had agreed to and were now unable to fulfill. They were silent when they were asked if they had increased credit-card interest rates on cardholders who were delinquent in paying their debts.

Here’s what I would have said if I had been in their shoes…

My dear partners in crime, our generation-long scam is coming to an end. Yes it has been a good run. As bank executives, we’ve been able to line our pockets with generous stock options and golden parachutes that ensure we’ll live like kings from now until eternity. And as elected officials, you’ve been able to cater to the lowest instinct of your constituents, ensure your reelection, and fill your bank accounts with an eternal stream of campaign contributions. Bravo to all of us.

Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme is nothing more than a zit on the big old butt we’ve put together here. By working together, we’ve fleeced the American taxpayer for trillions of dollars. Bank executives have lived high off the hog for years. We have mansions in the Hamptons, 60-foot yachts, private jets, and personal chefs.

As elected officials, you have all of those benefits, plus the ability to vote yourselves a pay raise, increase your petty cash expense fund by $93,000 – as you did so recently – and grandstand in front of the television cameras even though you’re guilty of the same abhorrent behavior you accuse us of.

With any luck, we’ll have a few more years to suck off the teat of the American taxpayer. But beware. If we go down, then you’ll go down, too.“

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Politically Braindead

People, I’m tired of all the politics flying around our media-centric country like flies around a fresh pile of poop.  I understand this is a presidential election with a black(ish) man as a potential future president.  I get it.  After an 8-year Republican run I’d say McCain’s chances are just over nil because it’s been, oh, decades, since there wasn’t a party shift after a presidential incumbent.  This isn’t rocket science, “my friends,” it’s a matter of historical record.  Let’s see here…  The most recent was the election of George H. W. Bush in 1988, after Republican incumbent Ronald Reagan’s term from 1980 through 1988.  Two decades, so not too bad…  But prior to that, we have to go all the way back to Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover to find an incumbent and a new president elect sharing the same party.  That was 1928. 

The Republican party knows it has virtually no chance of winning, especially against Obama.  First off, Geroge W. is one of the least-liked presidents in living memory and has sullied the GOP’s reputation for years to come.  Second, Obama is black, the first real black candidate ever, and he’s spouting utopian ideals and plans for “change, change, change!”  To further the Democratic cause, his pre-nomination competitor was a woman.  I mean, the Democratic party couldn’t have planned it better if they’d tried … hard on the heels of a stodgy, uptight, ignorant, conservative, corporate- and crony-helping incumbent, what better to stir attention and proclaim the “need” for the Dems to take charge?  Poor old McCain doesn’t stand a chance.  He was a lost cause from the start, a scarecrow for the Republican party to put on a stick and play pretend.  Not that I would have voted for him anyway.

I don’t consider myself a Republican or a Democrat.  I identify with planks of both party platforms and would never limit my choice of candidates to one side or the other purely for tradition or out of some misguided political obligation.  I just don’t care.  My vote will go toward whatever candidate I think could and would do the best job, regardless of party affiliation.  That said, it’s pretty well a sure thing that the winning official will have a neat (R) or (D) behind his name, no matter who the rest of us vote for (Independent, Green, Labor, Communist, etc).  And the crux of this post (I know, I was long enough getting to it) is that I really don’t understand all the hoopla over this election.  Either way, very little will change.  For the better, at least. 

Both candidates are deeply flawed, and I remain unconvinced that either has the best interest of the American majority at heart.  No matter who wins, thousands of families are still going to lose their homes, the economy is still going to play tilt-a-whirl until we hurl, and I very much doubt the troops are going anywhere in the near future.  Bush will get the blame in any event, but no matter who is in the White House in the next few years to come, things for the rest of us are going to suck. 

Under Obama or McCain, take your pick, I think unemployment is going to go way up, as will gasoline and other petrol products, wages will go down, as will property values, and our rampant consumerism is going to get a nasty wake-up call.  The government will take greater control of more facets of our lives (like the bank bailouts), which will only make things worse, and whoever is president will look and act more and more like a dictator.  With little concern for the Constitution and Bill of Rights, our freedoms and privacies will (further) dwindle amid assurances that it is all for the greater good.  The America our forefathers built and have died to protect ever since will exist in name only.  This has been brewing for a long time.  The bloated carcass of our corpulent government has only further ballooned over the years; the rancid flesh of red tape, regulation, and ridiculous budgetary expenditures has only swelled in further decay.  Behold the unlovely corpse of a failing democratic republic. 

No one group is to blame, and no one group should be held responsible, but I think it will take something monumental to flog some life back into this dead horse.  Something much more monumental than an inexperienced black man, a run-of-the-mill white man, or their typically ho-hum bureaucracy.  We need a real leader, a shepherd to lead we sheep out of the treacherous ravine we’ve climbed into.  We need a guide, someone to finally take real action and drive us to safer ground, someone with little things like honesty, integrity, trustworthiness, morals … not a politician worried about how to grab a buck in the latest kickback.  But the only names I see on the ballot belong to politicians.

Welcome to the Presidential Election 2008.

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